← All confessions · First Time 2026-10-01

Good Boy, Bad Timing

First time her date came over. The dog trotted in with something in his mouth.

How it started

Our third date and the first time he'd come to my place. Candles, a playlist, good wine, a lovely dinner. We were curled up on the sofa and it was all going beautifully. Then my golden retriever, Biscuit, who usually naps through everything, trotted in looking enormously proud of himself. In his mouth was my toy, which he'd apparently retrieved from the bedside drawer. He walked straight up to my date, sat, wagged and dropped it at his feet like a prize duck. The candle flickered. The playlist switched to something slow. I genuinely forgot for a moment that I owned a dog at all, let alone one who knew how to open drawers.

Then it happened

There was a long silence. My date looked at it, then at Biscuit, then at me. He picked it up carefully, handed it over and said, 'I think this is yours?' Then he laughed so hard he cried. Biscuit got a treat for 'good fetching'. We're still together, and Biscuit is still banned from the bedroom. He now brings Biscuit a toy of his own.

The morning after

Biscuit has since been banned from the bedroom, but he remains unrepentant. Her date tells the story at every party, complete with impressions of Biscuit's proud trot. Her mother now asks, every single time she calls, whether Biscuit has 'fetched' anything lately.