← All confessions · First Time 2026-09-29

Level One Forever

She didn't read the manual and spent a week on the lowest setting. There were nine more.

How it started

My first toy arrived and I was too excited to read the instructions. I charged it, switched it on and assumed that was simply how it worked: a gentle, polite hum. For a whole week I thought, 'Is that it? This is what everyone's talking about?' I was honestly a bit disappointed. I mentioned it, very vaguely, to a friend over brunch, who looked at me with deep pity and asked whether I'd pressed the button more than once. Each evening I'd lie there, politely buzzed at, wondering whether I was doing something wrong or whether the internet had simply been lying to me for years. I almost wrote a disappointed review.

Then it happened

I had not. There were nine more settings and several patterns. Level ten, it turns out, changed my entire personality. I've since read the manual cover to cover. I recommend it. I phoned my friend that night to say thank you and she laughed so hard she had to hang up. Every so often she still sends me a text that just says 'level ten?' and I reply with a single flame emoji.

The morning after

Her friend told the whole brunch group, who now greet her with 'level ten?' Her neighbours noticed she'd become remarkably cheerful. Her review of the toy reads, in full: 'Read the manual. Life-changing.'