← All confessions · First Time 2026-09-26

The Silent Treatment

She bought the quietest toy on earth because of paper-thin walls. It was so quiet she thought it was broken.

How it started

I live in a flat with walls so thin I know my neighbour's entire playlist. So when I shopped for my first toy, quiet was my number-one priority. I read every review, chose the one rated quietest on the market and waited excitedly for it to arrive. When it came, I charged it, pressed the button and heard nothing. Absolutely nothing. I pressed it again. Nothing. I decided it was faulty and, slightly heartbroken, rang customer service to arrange a return. I even checked whether it needed batteries it didn't come with, read the charging instructions twice and tried a different plug.

Then it happened

The woman on the phone listened patiently and then said, 'Hold it to your ear, babe.' I did. A soft, gentle hum. It had been working perfectly the whole time. I kept it. It's still the best thing I've ever bought. I sent her a thank-you email, and she replied with a single heart emoji. My neighbours still have absolutely no idea, which was the whole point. Peace has been restored to the building.

The morning after

Customer service wrote it up as the funniest call of the month. Her neighbours remain blissfully unaware. Her friend with even thinner walls bought the same model, then texted her a single heart emoji. Peace across the whole building.